I think she heard me call her a fat skank. But she was to be fair.
My dad just yelled at me for going to youth group with out telling him. Apparently going out to fuck a girl without telling him gets me a high 5, going to youth group gets me grounded.
I am currently trying to use a tide to go pen to remove the jizz from my backseat, it's not working...
by the end of the night i am guaranteed to have less of a face than Seal....
you would think someone who fights for his country could fight to last longer than 2 minutes
thanks so much for stopping me from telling him i want to have sex with him while i proceeded to hookup with the air.
Of course he did. He is like the oprah winfrey for vaginas. Always giving that shit away.
You should try cooking mac & cheese naked sometime. It's quite relaxing.
Im coming down to miami this weekend
We shall drink from the everclear river
I just remembered that we had an in-depth conversation about how it was too stressful to wear pants.
I remember eating bacon bits off your chest that night... I'll never look at bacon pizza the same way
Learn from my mistakes. DO NOT try to steam a garment of clothing while you are wearing it. The burn is not worth the de-wrinkle.
Welcome to your 30’s, where every one night stand is most likely with someone’s father
I told my mom that I might be hungover today so she needs to make me an omelet.. it happened and I'm happy
My hairdresser won’t do keratin treatments because of the toxins, but will put ecstasy up her butt at festivals...
Randomize