You were right. It hurts to walk today.
I'm not to broken up about it. Our relationship was worse than a coldplay song.
so you had a one ended conversation with the toilet las night in between barfs. you kept telling the toilet how strong it was because its gone through a lot of shit in its life.
drunk me is so punny.
I woke up to my dog trying to clean my vagina.
It's 6 am and I've spent the last few hours searching for a cork screw or suitable substitute. You had none. Incidentally, I finally opened this bottle of wine, but owe you a new meat sticky thing with those two prongs. Sobriety is not good for me. Or your utensils.
then he tried to tell me how many times he had seen Scott's dick. his estimate was about 180 times. he thought I didn't understand.
This year I'm going to try NOT getting arrested. I think the 30th birthday is the cutoff for calling Mom to bail me out.
There is a homeless man handing out free beer on the city bus. He has a cooler and everything. I love this trashy yet generous city.
she's like the billy mays of hookups...touch my boobs and i'll throw in this blow job ABSOLUTELY FREE
Jk. Anyone who everbeers with me is my type.
Before we rave about the healing powers of your penis, remember it nearly killed me as well.
They don't even know who I am but they just woke me up with maracas and invited my boobs to a kegger
Im shooting goldshlager and waxing my crotch
Tony's mom to him at breakfast: "I found the shirt you wore last night in the bushes this morning."
You're his holy grail. The moment he finally gets you to orgasm he'll probably just retire and become a monk.
Randomize
