i just remembered that i beat off next to you while we were naked and passed out next to each other after last night... No Homo
I think I explained what happened in the voicemail. But I think I might have just cried and ranted about how cool osiris shoes are
Leaving ole miss girls house to go to the stripper girls house. Why did it take losing my job to start getting laid all the damn time?
Apparently I gave him a 'Steve jobs blowjob'
Chasing 100 proof soco w water from the tap at 4 pm, it's gonna one of those kinda Thursdays...
Dear Beer Goggles, it's time to see the eye doctor. With love, your biggest fan.
I snorted a few ambien and woke up here. A lady banged on our door, waking us up, demanding our towels.
Oh, fuck yeah. I swear I came with every bite. Not even joking. Messiest meal ever.
Wow, thanks for ruining pizza for me. I didn't think it was possible.
We found Mulan.
I thought you were in bed what the hell
I am at a new level of appreciation for drunk-you, who threw up into her own sweatshirt pocket last night in the car. Brava.
I'd do them all but honestly I'm so high that I probably should have a chaperone.
Just cried because I'm out of oreos. This post-molly depression can go fuck itself.
Had a dream I went to Disney to visit you and then I got really drunk and puked all over these little kids in line
Should probably stop going into the gas station to look for the most normal person to hitch a ride with to drive me to a party
Tell me why i have 60 matches in 72 hours on tinder. Can i sell my tinder account like people used to sell their myspace pages and tumblrs when they had a lot of followers? Is that a thing?
Randomize
