I couldnt bring myself to steal alcohol from my dead grandma
she literally hasn't taken the mardi gras beads off in three days. she showered in them. TWICE.
Staying in I think. Boyfriend has domesticated me. I'm making eggs naked right now. Also really high.
Bring the cards this coming weekend. If I'm not here I died skydiving Friday
Sit down my child. It's time you were told of my famous loss-of-virginity story entitled, "The Penis that Never Could."
So I have to borrow my moms car tomorrow to go pick up my ID from the strip club so I can board my plane tomorrow
Sharknado 3 is going to bring us to alcoghol poisonign
I never imagine I'd say this, but can I ask Jeff for the butt plugs back even though it was a gift and we broke up?
Think of it as a business transaction. That's how I justify all the horrible things I do. Blow my married boss? Just a business transaction.
I got a lap dance in honor of your birthday last night.
Thank you.
theres a video...
oh god.
why the hell did we go to a rave last night?
we didn't?
definitely went to a bar with strobe lights
JENNIFER. You passed out in a toilet with a color changing light in it.
A guy at my table is reading a magazine called "Cheese Connoisseur"
if you want the landscaping job, the uniform is a speedo. no exceptions.
So who has the penis shaped party tray? You or your mom?
What's a professional way to say get your shit in gear?
Randomize
