Holy fuck. She looks like Vin Diesel's stuntman
i just told my mom tuesday boozeday rhymes so that she can remember not to text or call me on wednesday mornings
youre going to kill that woman one of these days
I just found a video on my phone from last night of you yelling, "you can't fuck me!" at least 20 times
What's the best way to say, "it's too early in our relationship to leave me at your place alone"? Steal something?
Apparently he crashed because 3 different girls were trying to give him road head at the same time.
I was afraid someone would drug test my pants so you set them on fire.
the last time I drank tequila I ended up riding your skateboard nude down the street... so yeah, I'll have a few shots.
Why did you load my phone up with pics of Al Gore?
She's relieving herself in the laundry room. I'm really hoping there's a toilet in there...
Lol I wish they went straight to your cock then shot out into my mouth like a cock nacho dispenser
Hope everything goes ok. If it makes you feel better, I straightened vomit into my hair and killed a bird earlier.
Its weird to introduce me to his wife and kids on the first date, right?
Wine. Check.\nDino chicken nuggets. Check.\n#IssaParty
He showed up to my apt at 6am wearing a suit and holding a bag of coke....how could I not let him in?
like sometimes I wish I was allergic to latex so I wouldn't have sex with so many people..
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