My cock was attacked by outdoor plants
ohhhh fuckk. chicks a dude.
Girl just texted me a pic of her boobs with the caption "don't think I'm a whore"
I just made doing the dishes into a drinking game. crafty, or pathetic?
What hospital were we in last night? Insurance needs to know
OH MY GOD MY GRANDMA JUST SHOWED ME HER BOOB OH. MY. GOD.
I poured everyones drinks into the ice bucket and then stuck my face in it. Apparently I'm a greedy drunk.
Some random walked into our tent, woke her up and said "Harry Potter must not go back to Hogwarts!"
you really need to stop getting laid in my dreams more than i do.
Tell Chris I said sorry for yelling "It's my vagina, let me do what I want with it!" at the party last night.
he calls himself the gay cupid because he matches two guys looking to hookup on craigstlist with each other. get me out of here. please.
My new successful method of booty calling is sending a screencap of a map with the shortest route from their location to mine highlighted.
Running my fingers through my hair is like that scene from Patch Adams where the girl goes swimming in a pool of spaghetti. I love molly.
Also I think I drunkenly signed up to be an uber driver or something because they keep emailing me to fill out a background check
He a gives rim jobs, because, of course a guy who opens doors and makes reservations would lick your anus..like a gentleman.
Randomize
