bruce springsteen sings some of the most romantic songs i've ever heard.
the hells wrong with u
I ran out of diet so I'm mixing captain with a juice box. Being a mom has finally paid off.
We're so high we're finding things in the room to build a submarine with. So far we have two cardboard boxes, a piece of wood, puffy paint, and an empty bottle to use as a periscope.
just puked in a purse in the store. some girl asked if i was gonna buy it now and i laughed and asked her why id want a bag some dude just puked in. her face looked like she saw the devil.
What's the second line of that rhyme that starts "Vicodin before scotch...?"
I searched the house and found a small bottle of sherry which is probably as old as I am, has prob gone off and tastes like shit. I don't care any more. It has come to this.
I just realized my mom and I make the same noises when we have sex. Fuck.
I don't understand but I fell asleep naked holding a tub of cool whip and a boiled egg
Omg considering I am covered in cake and probably cocaine that is the greatest news I have ever heard
You told them that the brownies were safe, and then pointed to a passed out Ryan and said "see?"
I text him "Dude. Tryna get fucked here. I only have half the parts. I need your help" I'm sure my mom would be super proud of the woman I have become.
Let's be honest, college orientation is going to be "here's how to drink everclear"
She was a little thick, but we banged on the beach and fireworks went off as we finished so I think God wanted it
When your grandma invites you to a sweet girls' Valentine's dinner with your mom and sister, but you have to decline because you're trying to get two dudes to rail you at once...
idk what the male equivelent of vajazzling is but it better be worth the time
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