not my fault. i got her to believe he wrote an oasis song. he still managed to find a way to make sure no girl ever gets near his penis.
Me+graduation party+hammered drunk+polish horseshoes in the dark= black eye, crying, pissed, passed out in my dress... How was your weekend?
the whole "pretend to be sober/pull it together for my family" thing really blew up in my face when i threw up into my pillowcase.
If you're fucking that other dude, I'll take the sloppy seconds. I don't care.
Guess what happened to me today at work?
I have chlamydia. What happened.
Oh lets talk about your news first. Mine is happy so it should go second.
there is literally a full grown man stuck between the radiator and her bed. i thought i kicked him out 20 minutes ago but nope we found him
She's planning a December wedding, I'm planning on a June breakup.
Just tell your mom you have to go somewhere half naked with a strange man. She'll understand
Every bar we ever go to has a woman there who hates him. Getting so much vagina has never seemed so not glorious
I thought my period ended but I felt it again as soon as Pitbull started playing
This is a sacred holiday in the land of the free! I do what I want!
Nope. Turns put my desperate group message for sex didn't work out.
Well you sent it to two guys who were roommates.
They could have rock paper scissored for it. My vagina = the prize.
If someone plays phil collins i'm gonna take off my clothes
I've literally slept one hour I'm honestly just surprised you can insult me this early
Is it weird that I shop for lingerie by thinking if it will look good on both me and your floor?
No. Not at all.
Randomize