My phone auto-corrects smirnoff to poisoned. I think it is trying to tell me something.
dude i just saw a drunk guy attempt to get by IUPD and throw a uprooted bleacher seat over the edge of the stadium. funniest thing of life.
details please.
they caught him 10 rows from the top. the first thing he said was "wait I can explain, i just have to throw this over first."
my new years resolutions dont apply when im drunk
Woke up un the hot tuv. Climbed out fo the hot tub and fell asleeo. Woke ip again in the hot tub.
when he pulled his cock out I told him he'd brought a knife to a sword fight
I think we've entered a low point in our relationship when I'm sending you pictures of pubic hair designs "because they're funny"
you were caressing the jar of pickles then you looked down and whispered to them "I want you inside me"
lesson learned. Never drop acid before a trip to the aquarium. Sounds awesome, is actually terrifying.
Your dog took my vibrator out to the yard
I feel like dick that good should always be within a five kilometre radius of me.
We probably shouldn't have humped each other in a stairwell for an hour. that was probably my bad
Only true party girls take their birth control with Smirnoff.
He gave us beer and shots and made us pizza in his brick oven before firing a handgun into the air to signal it was time to give us a ride in his inflatable raft to the bars.
He's like a mythological figure
I was trying to type "I just want you naked" and it put "I just want you baked"
Oh no. He's definitely text-flirting with me. No straight man over 30 has any other excuse to use so many smiley faces...
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