What's everyones problem with my costume?!
It looks like a unicorn came on your face.
you left with a lisa lampanelli lookalike... i hope she was atleast funny
so just incase you wake up on the couch wondering how you got there--you came home at 7am, put ice in a cup--then you proceeded to put the cup in the microwave and melt it because you "wanted water". you then, fell down the stairs while saying "you don't know me" then crawled to the couch.
Disney World has no open container laws. Ohmygod this place is even cooler than it was when I was ten.
my mom found me passed out in the kitchen floor with the Brita pitcher.. Happy Mothers Day
I asked for a steak knife but the waitress could see in my eyes it was a bad idea
I know he is still a student. I am not asking if his being an underwear model makes it more ethical, just less prosocutable.
If your nipples ruin my wedding photos I will kill you.
As a 47 yo who just boned a 22 yo, it was definitely a walk of pride. She is a major feather in my aging cap.
Did you know there is a guy on the porch, wrapped in your snuggie, singing no woman no cry and drinking wine coolers?
I only remember singing the Captain Planet theme song on our way to the bars.
Hey! Happy Birthday! Could you do me a favor and bring my underwear to the bar?
He just turned down phone sex for hockey and I'm so relieved I'm fucking a straight guy that I'm barely even mad
so the casino kicked my ass last night, i'm pretty sure i hit a new level of hungover....just showered with my sunglasses on because the bathroom light is too bright
You're my best friend, so I'm kinda scared to say this, but.....I kinda feel odd when I show up with you at your family events and I have banged or blown at least 3 people in the room
Randomize
