from now on my penis is your penis
I know im too high when i think porn has an interesting story line.
i just witnessed two asians having sex for the first time ten feet away from me..hes having a seizure..what the duck is going on???
he got up in front of the whole lecture hall and yelled that Charlie Brown's Christmas tree was his favorite book in the history of the universe. then he stumbled out the fire exit setting the alarm off. I could've jumped him right then and there.
he referred to my room as the tit cave...
You did not just play the dead husband card again.
so when we were booking the hotel and plane tickets for vegas we reserved a chapel for someone, it's inevitable.
Any questions about why there was a scuba tank chilling in the hot tub this morning?
We snorted a line of cocaine and xanax, and then played a game of Backgammon. It was surprisingly therapeutic.
The grocery store is a combo of ghetto ppl complaining that the low fat chips are all that's left and hipsters trying to eat organic during the hurricane
Don't bother coming over to clean the mess. I already paid two kids 5 bucks for it, just didn't tell them you peed all over the place. You do owe me 5 bucks though
Idk man, she was drunker than me and i was sitting there talking to a raccoon about it's broken leg.
I dunno. We kind of want to have a hippie communing with nature type break. But because we're such alcoholics I feel like we'll just be wasted the whole time in addition to hugging trees and shit
You asked for his ID and then said "I am like a bouncer but for my vagina."
You kept shouting about how you were the king of all bitches...and doors, for some reason.
Randomize
