We fucked twice, I went to the bathroom to freshen up, and came back to him playing "Your Body is A Wonderland" on his guitar naked in my bed.
She got her phone back last night. And the first thing I sent her was a picture of me pooping in a culvers bathroom
the can pyramid on my head actually reached a decent height before I moved.
If I interpreted our horoscopes correctly...you should be coming home with an 8 ball. Just saying.
I guess crabs is what I get for sleeping with my ex.
Now that we have successfully procreated, I need to know we are on the same page. Please tell me you are aware that there are whole seasons of our lives that our child can NEVER be made privy to.
We should probably write this down. That's a shit load of shit.
Her text was so long it had an arrow to expand it. You know it's bad when even your iPhone can't handle her
alcohol and riverdancing are a dangerous mix. have a spraind ankle. i die now
It's five in the morning. wtf?
Hey man, when I left for work she was laying on the couch naked cuddling your keurig, can you clean that mess up?
First things first, I always get more drunk than the birthday girl. Like, who's idea was it to sing karaoke? I killed it.
She's hot and all. It's just I don't want to become Eskimo brothers with my sister
If he gets me coffee, cold or no I'll make him see Jesus with my mouth.
I'm not trying to analyze you I'm just saying you are being unfair to soup
avocado toast wont fix the fact you did a bunch of blow you fucking hipster
I thought this boy told me to choke him, so I went all in. Turns out he really said “stroke.”
Randomize
