She just used a chaser for red wine.
He said he forgot to take his shoes off, and that he was a bad boy because he was walking on the carpet. Then he sang. Then he shouted "I'M STILL FORGETTING."
He's almost as awesome as vicodin.
Can i tell him you said that? Cuz i know that means a lot coming from you
Oh wait looks like my cousin is getting deported THERE'S HOPE FOR THIS CHRISTMAS YET
Her idea of kinky involved a tazer
wtf?
I'm going back tonight
We had to leave. Dave knocked a dude out for saying yolo.
Wearing a french maid costume for Halloween sure did help me meet girls
Dude, they all thought you were gay.
you 2 were alone in the living room and the dog walked in and you started yelling what are all these people doing in here
You were upset that she was flirting with your boyfriend so I thought the best game plan was to show her my boobs and get her to make out with me instead. I am the greatest friend on absinthe.
Will keep you updated on the sexual orientation of my new guy
She looked so much better when u didn't look at her and the music was too loud to hear her
what happened to you last night?
I dunno man, i pissed in a urinal, sent you a picture of my vagina and woke up with 25 bar stamps on my arms.. you tell me
He just stopped in the middle of undressing for sex to dip his slice of pizza in ranch. I think I’m in love.
Like if I exploded right now there would be cum and fajitas everywhere.
You know that tattoo place next to Dallas? The naked sexy frog on my neck is proof that their "won't tattoo if drunk" sign is bullshit!
Randomize
