I wish Morgan Freeman narrated my life.
I just saw a girl walk by me wearing a "kiss me I'm pro choice" shirt. Is that a signal for easy access?
she named each of the players on the last ten madden covers in order and then shotgunned 2 beers...if she doesnt have a penis im in love
I havnt even moved into my new place yet and there's already a county sheriffs card taped to the door with my name on it asking me to call him
Toga everclear = hospital visit... Im sure the paramedics hate me right now
She posted on her FB that he moved out...It's like she wants me to fuck him.
I just tipped the cab driver with pistachio nuts. And he loved it.
This bitch flirting at the bar needs to close her legs and open up a book. I can literally feel my IQ dropping every time she bends down to show her tits.
Jealous?
Very.
I'd say it's a shame and a disservice to the world that we can't stay drunken shitshows to infinity
The Medal of Honor you banged could be at the inauguration today. You really dropped the ball on keeping up with that one.
After what I experienced at 6am this morning, all I can say is chew your noodles thoroughly.
When you say shenanigans does that mean I should bring birth control?
sorry for the random call. He stopped mid-sex because he wanted confirmation that I was really a reverend.
I woke up to an email from expedia confirming my flight to hong kong
I woke up in the bathroom clutching a stuffed shark. My night was fantastic, thanks for asking.
Randomize
