Britney fell asleep on the couch in the foier, got up stripped then pissed on the floor. Then got dressed and went to sleep in it. Also downstairs toilet clogged. Not me. I will be gone by the time you get home from work. Have fun.
Fuck the gym. I just shaved m'cooch and my pants now fit looser.... Dont judge me.
I kept telling myself all night that it was completely okay for me to lose all sense of my morals because it was my birthday.
I figured out plans for New Year's and by figuring out I mean I've got a sugar bowl of cocaine. Start at 10?
my favorite homeless guy just told me I drive like Batman, achievement unlocked
Apparently I'm ahead in the foot race to his dick because I'm not insane. If I'd have known that's all it took, I'd have worn sweat pants more often.
Fun holiday story for you: Alex and I went out drinking. She left. I needed a ride home. Met this dude and told him to drive my car back. Once at my house, I made him take out my dog and then apologized for not wanting to make out with him. I said, let me go see if my roommate is interested and then I slept in Alex's bed all night.
20 bucks says he was an actual leprechaun
Sometimes you have a glimmer of a heart and then I immediately remember you are dead inside.
Says the girl who left her friends to go have phone sex in the bathroom at Michael's
Incase you were wondering. Cooking naked turns into sex. Sex and cooking may lead to house fire....
We were fucking in the back of my truck and no joke a skunk came up and sprayed us. How am I supposed to explain this to my parents
There's a fine line between kinky and serial killer
They had an Olympic theme party at her work yesterday. She brought home her fake gold medal and hung it on my cock after she rode me.
If by fun you mean, did I meet her cousin for the.first time and bang him, then yes it was a productive evening.
i woke up this morning wearing my pants as a scarf and my shirt as a daiper, my boyfriends contact name in my phone is "human sacrifice" and yours is "i like eggs"....can someone please tell me what happened last night
Randomize
