Going to spend my cab money on more shots and just take the ambulance home
Operation Purity has been aborted
They're making scrambled eggs at 2 in the morning... with rum
You are like a prophet. It's amazing how many people you convince to be lesbians.
he had his head down and said he was listening for the buffalo, he had to still be drunk.
My wedding band has saved me from at least four cases of herpes tonight.
Like really my mothers day gift is a pic of his dick
I might as well rub my vagina against it before I throw it away.
I had 2 bags of iv saline fuilds for brunch and the buffet at the strip club for dinner. happy easter.
So. Somehow managed to fuck my contacts out of my eyes. Didn't know that was even possible.
This is why you are going on a date. To see if he is fun or if we need to shank him in the parking lot.
She left you responsible for her guinea pig for what, 3 hours? And it somehow died under your care? I will no longer trust you with so much as a beer.
All that stuff they told us in middle school about drugs being easy to find was a bullshit lie.
are you inviting me to ice cream?
the subtext of everything i say to you is inviting you to ice cream
My brain is a dvd screensaver and I'm allowed to have a good thought when it hits the corner
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