I'm pounding a vodka drink as we speak to make her interesting
my phone is just a graveyard for last nights mistakes. at least it's giving me hints as to where i was though, i'm like carmen sandiego
just wokeup with my ethics textbook on my chest, animal crakers in my mouth and my dick in my hand. even aristotle doesn't have a theory for this one
Theres just something about looking at pictures of your dick in church that doesn't feel right
This is the last pregnancy scare i've had since i was 12 and i thought you could get pregnant from masturbating.
We were sitting in my backseat and he just kept biting me and telling me we weren't at the zoo...
There is a bottle of ciroc waiting graciously on my breakfast table. It's almost a sign for me to live up to my Russian blood.
Any clothing i put on is too many clothes.
I need to establish a pattern of dominance early.... I'm like a slutty Cesar Milan
You'd think the dry cleaners next door would be less judgmental for as much business as my theme parties bring them.
Her dog trainer Fuck buddy is over here again. She sounds like a squeaky toy and he talks to her like he talks to the dog. I CAN HEAR EVERYTHING!!!
Do not tell guys at bars about kittens you rescue. They will walk away.
I should become a firefighter. Who uses his cock to fight fires. Like a Superhero.
I think he was trying to be romantic, but the candle he had lit was the kind you use to repel mosquitoes..
You were arrested in a tiara again... maybe you shouldn’t wear one.
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