Yea I just took my 1st pregnancy test. Turns out I am just fat. Also I haven't been with anyone in 3 months, which is clearly making me crazy.
Next time i try to unbutton my R.A's shirt with my teeth, please stop me
No promises.
She threw up in the hot tub how's your night
To say the least, now you know you're a proper lady, passing a field sobriety test in heels...
I may, or may not have licked his face in an Applebee's.
im just laying in bed, eating, getting fat, enjoying eating and getting fat, thinking about how i will probably have to get a fat boyfriend.
He can keep it, but if he asks for anything else i'm just going to start pissing on things.
It takes a special friend to go vibrator shopping with
Yes. It does.
You got me 4 pizzas and i just saw this. I'm too drunk for this shit. I just yelled "4 pizzas holy shit!" At the pizza dude
I don't really feel bad about it, but I legit just squirted in the back of an Uber and it makes me think how many times has this happened before?!?!
You are driving me to get new toys, i am test driving them on the way home.
We are taking your truck.
Honestly I volunteered because the email made it sound like it was a once in a lifetime opportunity to be a sexual spy kid.
I figure blowing aggressively into a harmonica is better than screaming, "GET THE FUCK AWAY FROM ME YOU SOCIOPATHIC SUCCUBUS" to my sister, in the middle of an auditorium, during my mothers college graduation ceremony.
listen i get youre a daddy dom but that doesnt give you a pass to make dad jokes
You do it and I'll burn these mermaid pants so help me God.
Randomize
