Call me at 7:30 and make sure I'm not asleep in this booth at Waffle House.
Five Mah tais Laser and i skill have not drunk dial you
First thought today, I need a ventriloquist dummy that looks like me. This week's project has been determined.
I feel like all of the victims from Seven. Best birthday weekend ever.
I'm pretty sure this city writes new vice laws specifically because of us.
of course we have a beer bong
how else would we feed our christmas tree
Her boyfriend caught us fucking and said "cool you're cheating too" and left.
You live a charmed life.
She called his dick the colossus. I dont give a fuck if shes his wingman, I gotta see this natural wonder
that pic of me and the hulking football player sure does come in handy when creepy guys hit on me at the bar.
I'm going to pretend you don't watch My Little Pony and focus on your large cock. Kay? Don't bring it up again.
Xanax and full house Tuesday is now Percocet Sunday
I planned to shave today but it's Friday the 13th I might cut something
I can't believe the police had to bring me to my booty call last night
You know I base where I go on the likelihood of me getting laid there. This includes work.
I'm so high I have morphed into the monopoly man. Or maybe the Pringles guy. I don't know but I have a mustach now
Randomize
