I just saw grafitti that read "Mug The Fart Eater". Really, Memphis? That's all you've got?
i'm going to be one of those im-wearing-a-shirt-as-a-dress girls today. dont make fun of me, i need laid
trying to figure out who visited the hillshire farms website enough for it to be in my top sites.
Grape juice and vodka is NOT wine.
You walked in with a firecracker and a doughnut then demonstrated what a lazy job he did fucking you
Her stepmother interrupted our sex to tell her it was midnight and she wanted to do a sympathy shot for her 50th.
Don't break up.
On the plus side I'm getting really good at painting the inside of a toilet with my bowels.
I do feel like I owe you an apology for trying to fuck your dad last night but in my defense everyone knows I shouldn't drink tequila.
THIS THING HATES MY LIVER
Bro. I traded my coat. I have a Raiders coat now.
I found a loose wire in my thermostat. Couldn't find the pliers, so I used a nipple clamp to fix it.
He asked me how many starwars references he could make before i no longer find him attractive.
I went to my AA meeting last night. My drug dealer is now my counselor.
I just elbowed a roll of wrapping paper, and said “ohh sorry”. I’m still drunk.
About that photo of the cake you just sent. You do realize it’s on a glass table, right? We can all see your reflection in it, and you’re very obviously naked.
Randomize
