Holy cold harsh reality of sobriety batman
he pushed my hair back because he said it made me look like kelly kapowski and he told me to call him zach
I feel like someone was just looking at my memory and took out an eraser and was like "nope he doesnt need that"
Biggest lesson I have learned in college: Drink if you are happy. Drink more if you aren't.
he's listed in a fb relationship with a girl born in 1993. i'm too drunk to do the math on that one, but i am sober enough to know that's illegal
honestly, i'm just crying in the kitchen naked and eating salsa
I let a naked juice spill down my leg for like 30 minutes bc i thought i was hallucinating that my leg was cold.
Your CAR. Is in a LAKE. I'd say "a big mess" is a pretty conservative description of the situation.
We had sex in the bathroom. Good sex. Toilet breaking sex.
I DON'T EVEN KNOW ONE MINUTE IM SITTING HER THE NEXT IM FLYING PASSED THE MOON
PISSING MYSELF IN ZERO GRAVITY
THOSE AIN'T STARS U SEE TONIGHT GURL
No. If I hated you would get none. Then I would eat them all in front of you and laugh at your tears. Although that hasn't been ruled out for entertainment purposes. Nothing purposeful.
I'm over here willing to be the Yoda of fucking but I guess he just doesn't want to be a Jedi.
What kind of friend would I be if I didn't make you hate things you once loved?
ugh i want to get waxed but I’m afraid. my vagina has had enough trauma this week, i don’t know if I can put her thru any more.
you know you need to get laid when: getting wrestled to the ground in a self-defense class turns you on....p.s. this is a booty call
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