fml, blew my nose and red sprinkles came out and did the splits when i sneezed
The old woman next to me on the el smells like cupcakes...but she doesn't taste like cupcakes
I just saw a girl wearing a flannel shirt that would make 1992 cringe
its like the voldemort of pregnancies, we don't talk about it
I feel like i'm in the derek zoolander school for kids who can't read good.
You just kept insisting that you and the homeless man went way back, and that you bonded over how cold you both were.
They just called to see if he wanted to come in at 2am for overtime. He's trashed. He literally carried on a 10 minute convo with his boss about woodchucks. As in the animal
Damn, it's been so long since I had sex I could use the cobwebs from my vagina to decorate for Halloween.
Responsibility: Hiding your beer when your DWI clients who are out on bond come to talk to you at bars.
when I was too drunk to walk on my own two feet, he stole a shopping cart from the grocery store at the corner and proceeded to wheel me back to my apartment.
Then he tucked me in, gave me a goodnight kiss and slept on my sofa. I woke up this morning and he was making waffles.
he is a god among men.
one of the RAs is here. he told me his name is optimus prime and then took his shirt off and fell down
Shawn wouldn't stop singing about his cock on the ride home that night it freaked my girlfriend out how consistent he was
Going to the bathroom drunk while wearing overalls is such a struggle
The best part about daylight savings time this weekend is we get an extra hour to be fucked up.
On a scale of 1 to 10 how concerned should I be
Randomize
