She tried catching cigarette ashes on her tongue like snowflakes.
if youre pregnant and ruin my spring break i'll never forgive you.
Why is there a frozen condom filled with water in my freezer?
I think i can hear god laughing at me and yelling "thou shall pay for thy habits of underage drinking" through a megaphone directly at my eardrums
Highlight of the week: I had sex with a B movie star wearing an eye patch.
being sober in physics class makes me realize the regularity with which i show up to it still drunk
That would make regret #10
He was more like the original regret
Been in bed for 16 hours. Haven't eaten in 18 hours. Haven't pissed in almost 20 hours. Fuck you Stacey and your former reign as laziest bitch. I got the title now.
It's either gonna be a cock in my mouth or a burger. You decide which.
I JUST SEARCHED GINGER COCK ON TUMBLR AND THEY'RE ALL REALLY WELL HUNG? I'M CRYING. IS THIS HOW GINGERS KEEP REPRODUCING?
WHAT IS WRONG WITH YOU?
Look, sometimes you have to snapchat a topless photo of yourself in the middle of class just to prove you can. I can and I did. End of argument.
I've had more sex since the twins moved in than I'd had in the previous four years. They are the best wingman ever.
Guess who's now on the no-fly list? If you guessed me, you'd be right.
Come cuddle! I'll be passed out somewhere in the library. It'll be like a scavenger hunt!
the person she was housesitting for had a christmas card from charlie sheen on the fridge so we fucked on the couch and just slept in the bed
Randomize
