He said he only talked to me because I talk dirty in bed.
I've been at work for less than an hour and have pooped twice already. That's what happens when you start sleeping with your roommate and don't want to use the bathroom at home anymore.
Public safety found my id!
And i can't find my bra so i'm assuming they found my bra with my id which would explain the disapproving tone the lady on the phone had.
Did you just see the Batmobile???
How can people commit suicide when things like bagels exist
Well I disagree, 3 different men in my bed over my birthday was the perfect way to say goodbye to my childhood innocence
Only I could host a baby shower where the cops get called.
she walked in on me throwing up in the sink with my pants around my ankles and I said "i'll be with you in a sec"
i just got referred to as "the Loch Ness Cockster". God bless my Scottish heritage.
I'm sending him pics of me in my new lingerie telling him to come over and when he gets here I'll have changed into like sweats and a 5 year old shirt with ketchup stains on it
If my vagina was a person it would have a bandage around its head and it's arm in a sling rn
My thoughts mid terrible hookup: do people normally read a magazine right about now?
I got locked into my place today. You might be wondering if that was a typo... It's not.
If you wanna do actual business call my office. If you’re just looking to get laid you need to up your game
as i was trying not to drunkingly fall off her toliet, i noticed her socks laying there. i quickly grabbed them, ran upstairs, and excitingly asked her if she had gotten them at sams club. she replied with, "...those are your socks."
Randomize
