I don't know whether I should be pissed that there's glitter in my bed or proud that there's semen in there too.
I love how adderall is equivalent to money on a college campus. just got a ride home and paid the driver in adderall...yeeah buddy
I just learned you can mail a coconut. I'll be over in 3 days with the rum.
Apparently someone switched my cash for monopoly money after midnight so I couldn't get any more drinks at the bar
I have no valid justification for peeing in your kitchen, but I don't think it's worth breaking up over.
He pretended my clit ring was a door knocker.
He paid me to blow him while doing a handstand. Does that make me a whore or just a budding gymnast?
SORRY BITCH CAN'T, TAKING SHOTS TO WHITNEY HOUSTON.
Come in your red robin gear. If you smell like French fries we can make love.
Dude there is a stripper at my door saying she has my birthday present. She knows my name...but it's not my birthday...
God works in mysterious ways my friend.
It's not ok to announce to a group of people playing beer pong that a girl put her finger in your butt last night. I now know this
This amicable friendliness is dull. We either need to start fighting or fucking around. I'll even let you pick.
I was masturbating and a roofer walked past my bedroom window.
The walk of shame was so much longer today. i have to start fucking guys in my own postcode.
I'm pretty sure my calc professer is on coke. He's just too excited for this to be an 8am class.
Randomize
