I just want to apologize for screaming when I saw you the other day. It's just that you looked really gross and I was high.
It's official, I've know hooked up with everyone I carpooled with in middle school
The pregnant Hooters waitress told me to "make good choices".
im afraid if i stop breathing i will turn into a porcupine
My roomate asked me why she found condoms in the pringles container. I don't know what to tell her
I've thrown up twice at work. Just casually, in the mop sink. Then continued to make someone a milkshake. Want some ice cream?
No she left bc the of pic I have of my mom in my bathroom. She thought it was my gf
Why the hell do you have a picture of YOUR MOM in your bathroom?!?!
Dude. Where are you? There's a hot chick drunkenly dancing on the bar and aggressively taking shots to Pink songs. She looks like she needs a rebound. Get. Here. Now.
FUCK NYC TRAFFIC.
You want to know how I feel? I feel like Cady Heron pushed me in front of a bus last night.
Hey it's Males-You-Probably-Wish-You-Hadnt-Had-Sex-With Monday. MYPWYHHSWM
my brother has friends over and I can hear one of them screaming from the basement "BREATHE. FILL YOUR LUNGS. LIVE YOUR LIFE." and it sounds like he's doing some motivational speaking down there but that's actually just how he encourages ppl to take bong hits
At this point in job hunting, I'm willing to become a leather daddy if it means some sort of income.
Nothing like being naked and confused and clutching a scented candle...at least I woke up in my own bed though.
woke up. showered n got ready. had sex. and was still 15 minutes early to work... its gonna be a good day!
We're playing drunken roulette. We're taking exlax followed by shots. First person to shit themselves loses!
Randomize
