I just farted so loud that my cat got so scared he fell off the couch.
That should be a holiday. like easter. but bulges instead of baskets
history professor just told us he has magic fingers. i'm going for it.
so exactly what does one wear to an abortion clinic?
21st Birthday Idea: liquor store gift registry. Give me a promotion.
I've only left my bed to pee and eat nutella out of the jar with my fingers
I'm starting to think my role in the world is to inject batshit crazy, mentally unbalanced chicks with a dose of normal sperm.
no he just sat there holding the hammer and grinning insanely
Definitely had a dick in my ass while watching the Seahawks win. Best NFC Championship game ever.
You guys had reggaeton music playing while dry humping? Definition of romance.
the shoes thing blows my mind idk how the fuck i did that and im also missing 4 of my birth control pills like did i drunkenly decide to overload my body with estrogen
They say find what you're good at... Evidently that's showing up late for everything, drinking, and eating cheese for me.
I will go to bed dreaming of sexy Olympians carting me on a throne to the beach where they feed me pizza and champaign and massage my head/wash it like the hair dresser does.
you don't need to worry about using proper grammar if you're asking for the size of his dick.
Lessons learned from last night: do not leave me drunk and alone with strippers and a credit card. Let's do whatever's cheaper.
Randomize
