I'm in love with you.
huh?
Don't be nervous. I'm just saying - if you had a dick, I'd suck it.
Okay so if I'm going to keep referring to my hangover in the third person it needs a name.
Just chased ups truck with a half wiped ass for you. You're making dinner tonight
He left with a pair of dress shoes, some goggles, and a shot glass. I think we should follow him.
BTW waking up to a picture of you taking a shot of what I can only assume was shitty lukewarm liquor out of a blow up dolls butt made my day
I think pretend fucking a camel is a good thing to do downtown. They loved me.
No I have an idea, I saw you running through the neighborhood at 3am while I searched for my flip flops in a ditch
Are you aware that you called me "Sexy clit lady" last night?
Itd be nice if there was a level of interest in me somewhere in between the indifference and obsession that I've only been attracting
Too bad pet owners lack respect for my training in ancient Buddhist and holistic rehab therapies.
I'm not sure the Buddhist consider pot brownies holistic rehab therapy
So apparently I initiate sex in my sleep
I just got free tacos, you would be so proud of me.
Clarification, I got free tacos without performing any sexual favors.
Just stalked the girl I hooked up with last night's boyfriend. He seems nice, I approve.
I'm covered in bruises and scratches. I dont know whether to call them battlescars or sex decals
If I look at him, he starts sobbing. Please come get him; he's scaring the cats.
Randomize
