he said I was the best sex he's ever had, handed me a burger king crown and told me to take my walk of shame with pride
Changed my mind. Wearing a dress. Casual, with a side of breasts.
It's 9:30am and I've already blown three loads. Reason #101 I love 25 year old girls.
The pet store wouldn't sell us fish because they said they could tell we were drunk.
just got tipped $5 to put a barbie in a waffle cone and drip caramel sauce on it while a group of dudes cheered and one took pics. 90% sure they were sober
Dude this deaf chick is totally hot, I just bought an apartment on boner ave
I legitimately forgot how to blow my nose just now. Sleep might be handy.
There is a midget driving a powered tricycle around town. I am not drunk, stoned, or lying.
when I die covered in cocaine, hookers, and tequila at 73 years old just remember that I once had a tweet with that many retweets
Do you think I need to report to HR that the intern and I had butt sex?
Thought about it. I'm gonna go to work, but I'm gonna tell them I wrestled a bear saying I fell just isn't working.
I just want someone to put their head on my boobs and laugh at my jokes ....
at what point last night did i get this tattoo of an anchor made of dicks?
around eleven
How do I tell this guy that if he does not like the condoms at my apartment, he should bring his own without sounding like a sure thing?
Say it's BYOC night at the beach. And, you are a sure thing. Own it.
Adulthood is putting your bongs in the dishwasher because you're too lazy to clean them manually.
Are you ok dude?
Randomize
