I'm a grown ass woman and I'm sitting in bed eating pizza at 4:30 a.m. BFD, right?
I just high-fived this girl after she swallowed.
just saw ex-bf. should he be more embarrassed to be a college dropout working at rite aid or should i be because i was buying newports and rembrant?
tie
Dude stop singing. Your life is not an episode of fucking glee
finding my wedding ring encrusted in vomit this morning really just topped off last night...
this one can actually spell my name, that's a shoe-in
My mom asked me if I was being satisfied, sexually. And then discussed positioning.
who paints a picture of their own dick and sends it to people. i dont know if its borderline crazy or just fucking genius...
She just came to my house, with puke in her hair, to wake up my dad and scream "happy fathers day you DILF!" at the top of her lungs
Join us. We're on the roof drinking breakfast
The cleaning lady has moved my vibrator twice now so I would say I'm pretty ready to move out.
I have not brushed my hair. I'm wearing a yoga hoodie. I look like I slept in a gutter somewhere. Today is going to be a good day.
I told my boyfriend that the thing I missed most about him was scratching his balls for him.
How I know that I'm single: when I get a save the date for a wedding & I read "& guest" my first thought was does my bottle of Jack Daniels count.
On the good side I got hit on by a cute college guy. But the bad side was having sex in a frat house for first time in 9 years
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