I made out with a fat chick last night in a hot tub... btw I am breaking up with you
There is something just so refreshing and wonderful about an uninterrupted morning poop in the office.
Jager Bombs are cool, but hydrogen bombs are where it's at. Sparks and jager equals instant black out, I mistakenly tried eating a cigarette thinking it was a nacho.
I got an 8 ball and a free entrance pass to the strip club, if i dont get laid tonight I never will.
Just did a line with lance bass. Only in NY
I have surprise drugs for everyone
Something like that. Healthy diet of beer, ranch sunflower seeds and sex keeps me young.
Why did I see a weird snapchat of you barking at McDonald's last night?
I wore my Gollum shirt. It struck up a conversation AND got him staring at my boobs. That's a win-win.
I appreciate the fact that you sent me a snapchat of your dick soaking in a cup of water.
PS if you want to hear something hilarious as my little sister was showing me her engagement ring I open a Snapchat from R and it's literally a dick pic. Very different points in our life
She pinched my nipples too hard I THINK THEYRE GONE
I TOLD YOU ABOUT GOTH CHICKS BRO. I WARNED YOU
You hit your head and proceeded to fall in the floor, curl up in my lap and make me rock you like a small infant. I was beginning to worry until you started to sing "Rock me momma like a wagon wheel".
this strobe light makes my body turn on and off
I tried making my own red bull with crushed up caffeine pills, bubbley water and flintstones chewable vitamins. The ER doctor sead I'm lucky to be alive.
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