There was an extended period of my adolescent life where my friends and I would get high, drive around in my minivan listening exclusively to the wu tang clan, and intentionally crash into snowbanks
dude we were spooning naked in bed with her ass in my crotch. she sharted in her sleep all over my dick.
My Vagina smells like Nemo again.
i came out of my blackout when my grandma called last night. it kinda sobered me up and i realized who i had been making out with. should i call and thank her for the defensive cockblock?
i just saw the eighteen different ways i could die and only after that did i realize i'd made a poor decision
he literaly had a hockey helmet on and was swan diving off the couch onto the coffee table.
I wish you could be here to assess my herpes before he gets here.
I just threw up in my front yard because my roommate was in the bathroom. Fuck New Years Day.
In other news it turns out I like Heineken.. In a desert island kind of way
Hooked up with an ex Playgirl model. I feel like the universe just high-fived me for staying sober.
Just got cockblocked by my GF's wedding shower... That's a first. And I have to buy a gift.
I unknowingly motorboated my boyfriend's ex-gf last night. Yay me!
Can u pick up some lemons on the way? I have Tequila and a sore throat..I need them for both
they are cutting me off...little do they know I am making a 75 yr old man i named Herbert buy me drinks now...no shame at 11 am...
He’s exactly what I’m looking for: he’s got a broken heart, a working penis and a new boat!!!
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