bar tonight had a doorbell to get in and last night i saw my neighbors fuck on the balcony, she wore a nurse outfit. Missouri isn't so bad...
I'm pretty sure I left my reasoning skills at home last night, and just brought anger and rage with me.
so i decided to listen to you and went ahead and slept with him. you owe me 3 minutes
she asked me what the final straw was. i had to tell her i caught him jerking off to digimon porn. i don't know what i'm more upset by, that he was masturbating to cartoons, or that he was masturbating to sub-par cartoons
These old people don't even realize they're giving me weed money for shoveling snow.
seriously, i am too high for the omelet station to be playing Being For The Benefit Of Mr Kite at 7am
Less talking, more tequila
I kept reassuring him that I was easy like Sunday morning, not easy like "I've had 6 shots of tequila and haven't had sex in three months"
Someday you'll be stoned enough to create a one-person step team and then you'll understand
I figured it out. If I have at least 4 shots of vodka before I start my day, EVERY day will be a good day.
Literally every boy I've dated is now in a somewhat successful band. My vagina has obviously been blessed by the rock gods.
Would you like to get an apartment bong? It can be like our pet and we can give it a name.
Blacked out drunk in California and woke up somewhere in Arizona, I'm pretty sure I got here on foot
Did you put candle wax on my balls last night?
I woke up on the couch screaming in pain. I don't know how ended up there or why my foot was double the size. all I know is I'm now in a cast and never drinking tequila again. worst hangover ever.
Randomize
