omg omg i just fucked paul. i need to stop doing this kind of thing.
wait, who's paul?
exactly.
remember when u banged some random dude twice in the back restaurant room of the bar i work at with customers still there? and woke up with an enormous highschool-sized hickey this morning? no big deal.
Apparently married women at the office don't like getting congratulated on getting "knocked up"
Don't be offended. I can't even stand sleeping next to my dildo after I'm done, let alone a whole person.
Are you scared? I basically plan on us looking like giant drunk skittles
Is she okay?
She may want to issue revenge punches, but medically fine.
I need something for rope burns and an inner ear infection. Separate incidents, FYI..
I'm sure I'll run in to him again, there's only so many VA detoxes.
I need you to perform a face transplant. Please remove your face from your accounting book and relocate it to where it's most needed - between my legs.
Being an adult can't be all bad. I just took a vacation day solely to sit around and get stoned
You can say goodbye to our security deposit.
Already? What he do?
Opened a bag of topsoil at the party and spread it all over the living room. TOPSOIL!
i think the people from taco bell are onto us. they had my order ready today at 3am BEFORE I even got there.
he tried to have the "are we in a relationship" chat last night. I stuck my fingers in my ears, yelled lalalalalala very loudly at him and told him I would stop having sex with him if he ever tried that conversation again. bad person, or just being a realist?
Did I penguin dive down a hill last night?
I'd send you a picture as proof but I want to marry him some day and that would be a deal breaker.
Randomize
