i guess its not very common for a paramedic to have to revive someone who was struck by a falling shampoo bottle while getting off from the bathtub faucet.
New requirements. My future husband must have a nose ring and wear headbands.
We are no longer friends.
Being pregnant is so damn inconvenient for my sex life.
Just crushed a xanax into my chewing gum. Its gonna be a long, fucking up flight...
Just found my DARE notebook from 6th grade. Extacy was starred and highlighted.
At least I've made one childhood dream come true
i spent an hour trying to convince my psychiatrist that the fact that i showed up for my appointment drunk was progress, and she does not agree
Sunrise bitch. You owe me waffles
Sometimes I'm jealous of turtles because they can just go to their homes whenever they want by putting their heads in their bodies.
How high are you?
Going through my bras is like traveling back in time through my past hookups and relationships....
My girl came home. i was jacking off on the couch and she just starts telling me about her day, as if im not half naked with my hand on my cock.
Just used an eyelash curler to open my beer since I didn't have a bottle opener. Things are starting to look up.
It's a beautiful day to be high as fuck
We were 6 minutes into the movie before we realized the whole movie was spoken in Italian. That level of stupidly-ripped
Did you happen to find my bra? I'm pretty sure I still had it on before we left that bar
All I wanted was to die alone with my dogs....how did I end up here
I don't know if I should laugh or punch you
Randomize
