So J keeps drinking his last bit of drink, then spitting it out and drinks it again. Savor the flavor?
Dude, this old lady messaged me on Facebook talking about her grandson and wanted to know shit about me. I'd almost call her a cougar except she looks like mashed potatoes that have come alive.
I have another pimple on my ass cheek.
I'll be there in 10 minutes.
there really is only one way to give a PowerPoint presentation in your senior capstone class: still drunk.
At least I know she didn't hear me crawl to my room. Or did I walk on my hands? Fuck if I know.
It was insane. I was drunk for 11 consecutive hours. I woke up covered in almonds and there were footprints all over my shirt
He told me he doesn't want to fuck anymore because he needs to focus on school. Either he grew a vagina or he's secretly gay, it has to be one of the two.
I literally just biked home like I was on the last leg about to win the tour du France. Fuck diarrhea
LISTEN TO ME! GAY. FIREFIGHTER. They are the most rare and precious kind of gay. The kind little gays dream of. It needs to happen.
If it was any colder outside, the frost from my breath would make a mixed drink
Get my husband this drunk again I will rip off your balls off with my bare hands and then cut them up with a dirty axe like fish bits. Do you understand me? DO YOU UNDERSTAND ME?! See you at breakfast, FUCK FACE. I'll shove that bottle of Jamison so far up your ass you'll still be praying in 2020 you can take a shit! Seriously, you make it hard to be your best friend.
When did i become the Rickety Cricket of my own life?
I will be DAMNED if anyone but me breastfeeds my cat.
Got caught up in a real life love triangle. Both guys wanted me. I'm tempted to just run off with the cute girl from McDonalds instead
Please do that
Who the fresh hell put 2 pillows a raincoat and a guitar on top of me to keep me warm last night
Randomize
