So I answered the door in my underwear expecting my boyfriend. Instead I opened the door to Mormon missionaries. Do you think that was a sign from God?
What about the words "You're my personal dildo" made him say "I love you"?
I mean, he was my book buddy in 1st grade. The kid taught me how to read, the least I could do was give him head.
i think i was tempted to text while we were making out. like i remember holding my phone up behind his head and just staring at it.
The heaters out again. Makin a fire in thebroke toilet for warmth.
Dude, you need to understand there is a fine line between "guilty pleasure" and in the closet gay
The cop told me to answer for everyone if there was drinking involved and then i threw up in my Luigi's italian ice that i was eating with a pizza slicer
I already banned bobbing for apples. While drunk that's just drowning near fruit.
All I really remember is thinking that the music looked like beautiful lizard waves in my head
I think I just danced on the bar. With a man named Alabama.
Thank you for turning 21. I'm going to love reading your texts.
i rearranged my furniture so i could masturbate in the sun. how's that for spring cleaning?
reason #326 why I'm still single.... my date just told me there's a little boy ghost that lives in his closet because he likes his music.
He sent me a dick pic from his living room and it has pictures of his three kids in the background
HOW CAN YOU EXPECT ME TO KEEP YOUR SECRETS IF YOU KEEP ON TELLING ME THEM.
Sorry you saw me having sex with your brother on the beach
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