apparently i'm not the first person wake up and realize she's ugly cuz i tore this house apart and there is no sign of my clothes
Big sunglasses are the new paper bag
ya. and they're way easier to confince girls to wear during sex
Nothing says "I love you" like a full raw dog.
By the way the awkward moment from yesterday is now a bad situation I have to figure out.
Thank you Grey Goose.
i just turned the eviction notice into a beer pong list
Legit screaming match in this bar over the differences between cupcakes and muffins.
Hey man your outta milk
How the hell do you keep getting in my apartment?!
i totally just wrapped her wedding gift in tin foil. These are the skills 2 bachelor's degrees have given me.
Who is this?
You offered to lift up your dress at the bar so I could see your lower back tattoo
Um, I think that was a general offer to everyone. So...who IS this?
Stoned, drunk, and walking into the library. Look at me multitasking!
Everytime I try to keep track of the amount of people I slept with I always forget about that guy I met on the dc metro, where I woke up to him organizing his Special K and Molly and I was covered in sleeping cats.
If my life today were a movie the subtitle would be: Revenge of the Beer Shits
He stopped eating me out to remind me to look at the stars
you better come over.. I need a witness to help prove the couch talks to me
i'll explain later but cookie monster is playing the xylophone
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