Well how sick are u. Ive got a good immune system.
I just farted so loud that my cat got so scared he fell off the couch.
Your mom is more observant then Randy Newman.
I am not apologizing for rubbing my balls on your leg...that is a risk you take when you come out to the bar with me
RE-DICK-YOU-LUSSSSS
That's me emphasizing the ridiculous
Is it inappropriate to send a happy 3-year anniversary of having a threesome with you and your ex girlfriend on easter text?
I just stole some rubbers from the girl I stayed with last night so I can use them on a different girl today..
Look, I'm just saying, she looks like a troll and works indefinitely at a shitty Chinese restaurant, so me sleeping with her boyfriend is the least of her troubles...
im too broke to be in a relationship this close to the holidays
Waffles and pussy, what else is there?
Simultaneously sexting while making brunch plans. Multitasking at its gayest.
He was playing minecraft so I took a shower with my vibrator
I just named someones junk. I should not be allowed to talk to people.
I was totes going to lose it to him last night, but I cried and we ate mexican food instead.
The expiration date on my 40 is the same day as my 21st birthday
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