I wish we could go back in time and find our best farts ever
My itunes is telling me i listened to toxic by b spears 108 times last night
I'm walking down the halls of our hotel and listening for sex noises and knocking when I do.
im gonna call it quits for tonight... I am so drunk I dont even have the motor skills to masturbate
Do you remember that blonde girl he brought home from the bar on Friday night? She didn't leave until Monday afternoon. We didn't even know she was still in his room...what a sketchy weekend.
you tried to fill your inhaler with vodka
I just want to know how she convinced 6 sober ROTC guys to have an ab contest on a street corner at 2 in the morning.
If sandwichs had dicks, my life would be complete
They found you popping and locking it alone in the parking lot
Apparently mid making out I got up and said "I need to figure out my life" went in the bathroom and threw up for two hours.
Just heard him in the middle stall. Sounded like someone emptied a toolbox into the toilet.
You really need to stop getting injured so often it's really starting to negatively impact my sex life. Oh and get well soon. . . no seriously though hurry the fuck up.
I seriously just had to blow dry my thong.
Maybe for you. You don't have to clean the melted butter off the stove. I LOST THE SPECIAL SEASONINGS.
I'm basically doing the Walk of Shame without the added bonus of having sex last night. That doesn't look good on anyone.
Randomize
