bar tonight had a doorbell to get in and last night i saw my neighbors fuck on the balcony, she wore a nurse outfit. Missouri isn't so bad...
That bar we were at last night smelled like cougars. Virginia Slims, Aqua Net and Summer's Eve.
If it was for sex do you really think i would asking for a mass vote? I'm like fidel castro when it comes to sex. No public approval needed.
at least after i hook up with someone i have the decency to ignore them
Nothing says "You're all grown up now" like setting up your 401k with shitty underwear.
so if i die before i go back to school its because the thing we found in the hallway that i've been smoking out of is a crack pipe
I told the girl in his bed not to bleed on his sheets like the last one.
Zach is always passed out on the floor somewhere.face down in a puddle of his own absurdity
dude you had a hot girl interested and took shots together, as soon as it went down the hatch you upchucked on her entire existance..
successful birthday. 2012 rules
My unemployment came through so I'd like to thank the taxpayers of Utah in advance for my level of intoxication this weekend
He said it was fake. Like really? Hey baby, I wanna sleep with you, so here's a picture of a fake tiny dick
I JUST SENT A TOILET SELFIE TO THE WRONG PERSON.
You're talking to someone who was 80% serious about breaking into someone's house and leaving a cat there with our names in a heart tag on its collar
thought i saw a dude in a kilt yesterday, but then i realized he was doing a walk of shame. happy st. paddy's day.
His relationship is over as soon as he sees my boobs. I’m going to titty fuck my way into his heart
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