Listen the way I know if I'm drunk is if I have stage fright in the pisser if I do then I'm not drunk! And I definitely still do right now!
When I went to court, my judge's name was Honorable Ball. I couldn't stop laughing.
that probably didn't help your case.
worst 3rd wheel sitch ever. i'm crammed into a booth with him and chubs mcgee and his hand is between her legs. thank youuu karma.
you handed me your bra at the bar and said 'hold my purse'
four guys that i have slept with have come into my job today. FOUR. i feel like it's like bring your sex partners to work day.
Hon, I found you crying into a bathrobe in the back of a closet with a broken shoerack.
i dont know how he's 22 and thinks emoticons will get him laid. lady boner just died.
We have started to decorate penises.
How do you respond to a booty call from yesterday?
Is drinking before noon still a bad idea if you invent an amazing cocktail?
i fell out of the car and didnt spill my drink. come overrrr
truly a win in your book
It's always nice when a total stranger hates your ex just as much as you think they should.
I went to an 8am hookup in another guys sweatpants. Who is the really player here?
So, I never imagined myself puking on the side of the road at 10:30 this morning to Lynyrd Skynyrd but here I am.
So I lost my dignity between the strip club and your penis...
Randomize
