Saw a Delta Zeta recruitment poster today. On it, somebody added, "All you need is your daddy's credit card and a lack of self-respect."
My cousins just decided to make a catapult to spread my Grandpa's cremated remains. I love my family.
I feel bad for the person that has to clean the dishes that I peed on last night.
I probably shouldn't have followed up that rainbow sherbet with beef jerky. This is a whole new level of fat, even for me.
Also, that dude projectile vomiting all over the living room was the perfect distraction for me to swipe the booze and run.
I'm calling into work tomorrow for day drinking and kitten shopping. Totally legitimate.
He put his hand in my cleavage. NOT ON. IN. BETWEEN. NO more gingers
I just found out the guy that lied and blew me off got arrested, his mugshot is online. Life is good.
There was a selfie of you in the dark pointing at the camera with a duck face. You sent it to my 60 year old mother with the caption "you behave"
You were so drunk you coat checked your shoe... Not even both of them. Just one shoe.
I feel like emojis are just meant for explaining sex without using words to make anyone uncomfortable. It's a true gift
totally just stole a 24 pack straight out of the miller truck
Last year you twerked on my Christmas tree and threw up all over the bathroom...in front of my parents. We should probably keep power hour to ONLY an hour this year
What time is our conjugal visit?
Umm...who is this?
I didn’t spend $100 for a wax to sit here and listen to you FT your brother to complain about how bad the Jets are.
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