there's a guy here who looks like a hipster got a hold of obama and gave him a makeover.
My relationship with VH1 is so bittersweet
winter break is going to suck... i have to put away my college personality and transform into who my parents think i am.
That bus ride was like a tour of all the bushes I puked behind last night
You can't just send the picture of my vagina back to me, 2 months after we broke up, and make small talk out of it.
Just once, I'd like to hook up with a girl that doesn't look like she's having a near-fatal seizure when I give her an orgasm.
I found someone's tooth on the stairs when I was vacuuming, and my sister found a catheter in the men's bathroom... this cleaning job is dangerous
you invented a new sport called "bacon pulling" and you cried everytime a piece broke
Sorry blacked out and lost my phone. Judging by the looks of my body I fought a cat and fell into a bush.
shes on the ground doing bicycle kicks screaming "is my ass good enough for you now satan" send help
And I wasn't prepared because its been a very long and lonely season and I wasn't expecting to find dick at Press Box trivia night....
apparently I got pissed off that no one would let me spray them with a bottle of champagne at midnight of the new year. so I sprayed myself with one shirtless in the near freezing cold outside
The girl in the hotel room next to us walked out at the same time as me this morning. She just shook her head, looked at me and said, "faker." Is it that easy to tell?!??
I woke up in the middle of the night on all fours turning circles in my bed! No more patron for me!
Interlocking vagina powers go!!'
Oh god, your drunk again aren't you?
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