She knew it was going down when I had her search for "condoms" in my iPhone Maps.
You know you have a problem when the only thing that saves you is that you drank so late into the night that you sleep through the designated walk of shame time window
It's gotten to the point where NOT peeing in the sink feels strange and uncomfortable.
his dick is like his red hair, amazing but useless
The cab driver told me he hopes I look up to him as a father figure. Then he asked if I wanted him to take me to the hospital
The last thing I want is a chocolate mold of my cock competing with my real cock for time spent in your mouth
I can't be 100% sure of this but I think tonight was the first time I told a middle aged woman holding a baby to go fuck herself
only thing in my fruit bowl is 4 champagne corks and a jenga piece . Tuesday.
You take a step back sometimes and are like "when was the last time I was sober?" or "wow I need to stop putting everything in my vagina"
Is this an intervention?
It sounds like drunken magic sprinkled w narcotics
I only remember singing the Captain Planet theme song on our way to the bars.
Our DD painted my costume on me for tonight. The strippers have been teaching him how to paint costumes.
I want to get up and tell you that smells delicious but I'm struggling with the idea of pants
I stole a tiki torch last night and just returned it. Things have been better.
He also sent me nipple clamps because romance is NOT dead
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