Call meee
Ok, but just to warn you, I'm as drunk as a Kennedy right now...
i think if you made a shrine it would be creepy
I swear I have "I love assholes" written on my forehead with ink that only guys can see.
I thought the fact that I took home a 42 year old with 3 kids would excuse my tardiness this morning because my boss is also 42 and has 3 kids. Boy was I wrong.
Phosphoglyceraldehydration... why the fuck is this a word
I swear I could audibly hear her vagina slam shut when you walked up to hit on her.
I think you would be disgusted with me if you knew how many times I had imaginary sex with you today
Just put an ad on Craigslist for a fake groom... I'm sure only non creepy sane people will respond to it
What shitty, shitty thing could you possibly tell me that doesnt top the fact that i got hammered and showed everyone i could shit while running
He came over and said its legs day so put them in the air! Fucked me for 30 minutes and said he had dinner reservations to go to. Well i just ran into him and his friends hammered at Taco Bell
I think I'm making a tradition of going to every funeral with at least one sex-related bruise. I don't know how this happened.
I choose McDonald's breakfast at 1:28am over sex anytime
Just used the "Buddy" Poppy flower I got from a veteran to clean my one hitter. "I'm proud to be an American"
Was banging my ex last night when his roommate walked in... We kept going. #goaheadandwatch
I ate cake in bed. Felt great
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