i'm pretty confident that i watched a woman making love to a german shepherd.
It must be a full moon weekend. All of my weird booty calls are coming out of the woodwork. I spent 40 minutes on the phone last night telling one why he is so creepy.
That blackeyed peas song was on, so I thought that was prediciting tonight was going to be a good night. And then my garage door opner fell and hit me in the head.
I literally just copy and pasted that from another bbm convo bc I'm far too stoned to explain that again.
I seriously just caught my 15 year old little sister with a positive pregnancy test coming out of the bathroom. Honest to God.
I have a coat hanger and a baseball bat. Her choice.
and then you yelled "out of the way, i'm a lifeguard!" and everyone let us through
If you come, call before you come in. I'm tanning my balls. Enjoy that visual.
Now all we have to do is pretend we haven't seen each other naked. Work tomorrow is going to be FUN.
Just whatever you do please don't lick his face again.
Her stripper name is Geico. I'm not drunk or creative enough to make this up.
His wife made me pancakes and let me borrow a clean shirt. Should I drop his class or use this to my advantage
he told me i could have the honorable privilege of being the second girl to have sex with him in his new apartment, what a gentleman.
I can't finger myself when I'm all distracted about whether or not your family is going to like me
So in my DUI class I had to write down 3 people I'd call if I needed to talk and why...they all want to meet you now...
Ugh, once again I had to block the view of him peeing off the hotel bar balcony, I earned those free drinks!
My life is pants optional.
Randomize