and the officer said have you been drinking
and i said NOO SIR.
and he said, I am a woman.
Just farted in public and tried to sniff it all up before anyone noticed...do you think that actually works?
He gave me a book last time I slept there. Im beginning to feel like a really weird hooker. Like instead of money he gives me random shit he has lying around. like hamburger buns
I'm not giving my ex her earrings back. If some chick i hated gave me brownies i would still eat them. It's the same thing.
He came on my face. Threw a towel at me. Stole my weed. And left. I thought this would be over after we graduated?
Nothing quite says Coachella like me doing high yoga in the middle of a field by myself
you were yelling that somebody needed to take your bra off with such enthusiasm my first thought was that you were on fire.
Some people say 6pm is too early to get drunk. To them I say this dinner is delicious.
You took off all your clothes to try on her fur coat and then punched me when I said you couldn't wear it to bed.
I think this shark week should consist of getting drunk enough to actually go hunt sharks ourselves.
If God invented something better than rough, drunken, lesbian sex he kept that shit to himself.
You have not lived until you've had your brains fucked out on a broken down Tunnel of Love ride. Life is good.
Honestly after an incomprehensible political rant yoga seems like the best option at 2 am
I just walked across town, stoned off my ass and barefoot in 35 degree weather for him to bust five mins in and then apologize 13 times as I got dressed.
Is it weird that I was turned on when he told me he had a vasectomy?
I knew you two would hit it off
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