Ok never mind. Thought i pooped my pants for a second. False alarm.
Highlight of my evening, pile of books falling onto me in front of people
Nights like last night are what makes cleaning up the vomit in the morning worth it
dude i have an english essay and a bio lab due tomorow
so basically your not goin out tonight?
who said that?
So my OCD kicked in and I cleaned his kitchen. His roommates were so grateful, they tried to pay me in weed.
YOU ACCEPTED, RIGHT?
I owe you a thank you for last night. Only you could go up to a guy, ask if he likes my boobs, and return later to find us in a full on dance floor makeout sesh. Well played.
I went commando last night, then accidentally flashed a police van...They acknowledged it.
I am not saying having unprotected sex in my boss' pool was a good idea, I am just saying it wasn't my worst idea of the summer.
"just because you look like a short version of scarlet johanson does not mean I would immediately fuck you" that was the single.most difficult thing to say. but seriously I don't want the roots of the whore tree anywhere near my junk.
I think my sunburn makes my ass look bigger
Just saw some lesbians get in a fistfight in an Arby's parking lot. It's good to be home.
I'm not sure what step "make amends" is, but my phone is on
Is there like a dick file on me? Guys can't hold two dicks anymore?! Who are you people????
I left after he drunkenly went into the kitchen and started to make eggs with a shitload of garlic. First time I'd ever had a makeout session interrupted by eggs.
HIS DICK IS GLORIOUS AND I WANT TO RIDE IT TO VALHALLA
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