I thought I was riding a bike, but I guess it was a vacuum cleaner
by the end of the night i am guaranteed to have less of a face than Seal....
Care to explain to me why theres a baby food jar filled with semen in my fridge? or why its labeled as unicorn sweat?
I just found out why they dont make table-dance tables out of glass.
Things you are not allowed to do while im gone: sell cats on ebay, put cats in freezer again, shave cats like lions, dye cats pink/blue, try to light cats on fire to"wake them up from their nap" agian
I put labels all over the house on things I think are mine. A cactus, the dog, and a bottle of wine.
You'd think if the campus holds 28,000 undergrad I wouldn't run into three people I've hooked up with in one day
I am nonfunctional stoned. I had to ask ben to put me somewhere away from all the people I'm sitting on someones bed watching a wall. Not alright. Should not have come.
I'm 50% weirded out and 50% into it
I just took two shots of Burnerts out of a ladle. Get here now.
How'd the date with the redheaded dentist go?
She didn't like my gingervitis joke
Successful first night. Lost my phone. Front desk found it. Earthquake in wine country. Didn't feel it.
Just ate Panda Express. Fortune cookie had no fortune in it. I actually prefer this. Less broken dream potential.
She can't even plan ahead to have toilet paper for her next shit
Is it bad that we left the kid passed out on the bus? I think his name was texas. I was too drunk to be questioning this.
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