one might say we're banned from that church
How did I get so drunk? We had to fish that girl out of the Goodwill Donation Box.
At some point last night I thought pissing in a bottle was an awesome idea when I woke up a little piss was actually in the bottle a lot was on my TV remote
He didn't know it yet but he was about to go down on me.
oddly enough my penis is pretty tan. the part of my body that gets the least amount of sunlight is tanner than most of the rest of my body.
I think its part of male evolution. Pretty soon they'll have diamonds on them and taste like chocolate.
I just saw a Puerto Rican child between the ages of 8 and 11 with a faint mustache talking very loudly on the bluetooth in his ear about how "Skittles are played the fuck out"
He kept saying that the puke outside the theater wasn't his and it was all a set up to keep him from partying with the whores. Then he passed out on the sidewalk.
I am VERY upset that you called my fiesta a waste of time.
I told him he was, quote: "A big cuddly bear" and he needed to get into my bed or I would set his Golden Retriever free.
She wants to go as a facebook "like" for halloween, but right now her costume looks more like the hamburger helper hand with broken fingers.
He's like all my past boyfriends wrapped up into one fuck up. It's enjoyable to watch.
The lowest point of my life has been reached. I just drank half a jar of pasta sauce.
Knowing how to carefully mix my vices has to be the #1 skill I've gotten from pharmacy school
Swear on my life the dude next to us just ordered a pizza and I will fight to the death for a slice
I was sleeping and woke up in the bathroom already puking like i slept walk. Perrrrrrfect.
Randomize
