Just cropdusted the office
I hurt. I blacked out in a onesie. Reevaluation needs to happen.
These pubs in Ireland act like hand jobs aren't the universal currency
Were taking tot shots. If toddlers could drink these are the size of shots they would take
I noticed how good my hair still looked. Apparently rum and coke in it helps it stay curly thru sex. May be using this more often.
Dude, you passed out sitting straight up AND in mid sentence last night
It's really not cool dreaming about going into labor with your ex boyfriends love child as you're sleeping next to him.
"Little drunk?" Honey you were "livetweeting" Sublime's "Sublime" album while it was playing in his car, and at one point you said you hoped they play Santeria. "Little drunk" doesn't cover it.
there is absolutely nothing wrong with two grown men staying up all night blowing lines drinking white wine and playing call of duty. don't judge me
You could sing the national anthem right before we have sex. Make it feel like a sporting event
Why the HOLY HELL is my dog on my roof??? Sam?? Why is the dog wearing my pants
He was doing dishes, naked. I dropped to my knees and gave him head. Teamwork level- pro..
Wanna go on a picnic?
... by picnic I mean wanna sit on a blanket and drink with me?
I'm going to be there later than expected. There was a yo-yo incident...
I often wonder if we’re introverted extroverts, but I don’t think so. I think we’re just easily tired scumbags
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