I think I can smell my own vagina right now
Woke up in a closet. I'm not drinking till summer.
God gave me these boobs for a reason other than for people to throw things down them.
She just stuck her hand down the strippers pants. Shit just got real.
Trying to figure out when's a good time to take acid and not tell anyone and see how long it takes people to notice
There's never a time that i stay at this apartment that when i wake up in the morning and sit outside to smoke a cigarette that i don't feel ashamed of myself.
What's worse: not calling my parents in Dallas to make sure they're alright or not taking shelter to masturbate all over my douchebag roommates clothes?
I worry about you.
How could I forget your birthday? I have an alarm in my phone to ask you for sex that day.
Is it bad that when someone says the phrase "helicopter dick" I immediately think of you?
If you think you're having a bad day, know that upon waking up, I was informed that I blew my nose in a piece of bread last night
I had sex with him and I blame the Doritos
I started the day with dreams of getting laid and ended it with the reality of eating Taco Bell in my bed with my dog.
Good, I don't think Coke dipped ring pops hold up in the mail anyway.
There was puke outside of my classroom and lecture was half empty. Damn thirsty thursday is intense
I’m a little confused...we were told by Cheeto Jesus and his minions multiple times that we would stop hearing about coronavirus the day after the election and, yet, I am still hearing about coronavirus. Is it possible they lied to us again?!?
Randomize
