Things he has used as lube on me: olive oil, cologne, purell, spit, tanning oil, and bottled hotel lotion
He needs to save up for some actual ky before my vagina gets an allergic reaction
I am unfriending an ex-one night stand because his profile picture is of his wife's ultrasound.
Dude it was weird. The strippers vagina tasted kind of like your mother's.
Let me start this apology by saying I'm sorry that I bit your penis.
You're doing that 'overestimating how much I care' thing again.
You called your ex's vag an "AIDS Pinata". Drunk You is the Hulk Hogan of insults.
are you still mad that doritos made their way into my sex life
.....a litte
Occasionally I curse my inner 15 year old when I'm fulfilling their dreams as a slut, but I roll with it.
Almost just bought a peacock. I need to get off Craigslist
No more jager for that guy. He jacked the neighbor kids big wheel, rode around making jet noises, then passed out behind the wheel and rolled it and broke his wrist
YOUR DICK HAS BEEN IN ME I DO NOT WANT TO BE SET UP TO MEET YOUR FRIENDS
It's 4/20 of course I'm going to smoke in the portapotty and be ripped outta my mind at the lung cancer walk.
He made the Waffle House lady get me out of the car. This isn't a joke.
I don't know anybody that can get the cops to drive them back to the bar after being pulled out of a tree
it happenes
Mass text: You have all failed me. How have the people I loved so much let me go so long in life without ever eating a McRib sandwich?!
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