fuck the hobbit
what about unicorns?
fuck those pointy horses
a man that wears gold spandex underwear and party boys other people is a man after my own heart.
I really wish I didn't have to wear pants this is ridiculous
A guy on the street just growled at me and said damnnnn. Sometimes it scares me how attractive i am.
they hired a photographer to take a family portrait for grandmas bday gift. we just hired a male stripper. we are def the better grandkids.
when she first told me she hooked up with him my initial response was to shout "WE HAVE SOMETHING IN COMMON!"
I don't remember its real name, I just call it the Harrison Ford Cush after that idea with the Indiana Jones mask. I should just get high and sell people my ideas for their Halloween costumes all the time. I'd make a fucking fortune.
Called the cops on a high school party then went in after all the kids ran away and took the rest of the beer. What are you doing tonight?
Finals week...the biggest cock block since your brother threatened me with a beer bottle at the bar.
Woke up covered in green glitter and beer. I am never leaving Ireland.
God, you're amazing. I just want to hang out with you in the nude and watch Monty Python movies whilst we quip about how comedians just aren't as funny anymore.
Credit for originality. Points off for a mild to moderate creepy factor.
You were so high that you only FaceTimed me so that you could stare into your own eyes and not actually say anything
VOOOODKA VOOODKA WE PLEDGE OUR LOVE TO THEEEE VODKAAAA VODKAAAA SAVIOR OF LIBERTYYYY
Keywords: shitstorm, police, jail.
I might be a bit longer... I found a hot guy at the grocery store, so I'm following him and buying stuff that he's buying
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